Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped,
turned around, and returned to the gate. After an hour-long
wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was
the problem?”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,”
explained the flight attendant, “and it took us a while to
find a new pilot.”

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated
with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to
use the bathroom.

2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when
dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is
directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you
never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for
work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you
will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes),
the one you were in will always move faster than the one you
are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in
water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting
someone you know increases dramatically when you are with
someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that
a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is
inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena – At any event, the
people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last,
and they are the ones who will leave their seats several
times to go for food, drink, or the bathroom and who leave
early before the end of the performance or the game is over.
Those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have
long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end
of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are
very surly folk.

12. The Starbucks Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of
hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will
last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only two people
in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced
jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are
directly correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you
don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit,
they’re ugly.

17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers
no feet.

18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon
as you find a product that you really like, they will stop
making it.

19. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well and make an
appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there
you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll
stay sick.

20. Law of Erection – The angle of the dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of the meat.

Watch this video when in a bad mood, it will cheer you up. It would be a shame not to laugh.

On a beautiful summer’s day, a father and his eight-year-old son were
lying on the grass by the riverbank, looking up at the sky and
watching the wisps of cloud float gently overhead.

After a few minutes of silence, the boy turned to the father and
asked, “Dad, why are we here?”

“That’s a good question, Son. I think we’re here to enjoy days such
as this, to experience nature in all its glory, the vastness of the
sky, the beauty of the trees, the song of the birds, the rippling
flow of the water. We’re here to help make the world a better place,
to pass on our wisdom to future generations who will hopefully profit
from our achievements and learn from our mistakes. We’re here to
savor the small triumphs of life – passing your school exams, the
birth of a new member of the family, promotion at work, a win for the
home team! And we’re here to comfort those dearest to us in times of
distress, to provide kindness and compassion, support and strength,
to let them know that, no matter how bad a situation may seem, they
are not alone. Does that answer your question, Son?”

“Not really, Dad.”

“No?”

“No, what I meant was, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up
forty minutes ago?”

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one
useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more
is a Congress. — John Adams

2. If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if
you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed. — Mark
Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member
of Congress. But then I repeat myself. — Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into
prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to
lift himself up by the handle. — Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always
depend on the support of Paul. — George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow
man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. –
G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a
sheep voting on what to have for dinner. — James Bovard

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from
poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor
countries. — Douglas Casey

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving
whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. — P.J. O’Rourke

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody
endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. –
Frederic Bastiat

11. Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a
few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving,
regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. — Ronald
Reagan

12. I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and
report the facts. — Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until
you see what it costs when it’s free. — P.J. O’Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as
much money as possible from one party of the citizens to
give to the other. — Voltaire

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics
doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you. –
Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the
legislature is in session. — Mark Twain

17. Talk is cheap… except when Congress does it. –
Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a
happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the
other. — Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing
of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the
equal sharing of misery. — Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist
is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. — Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of
folly is to fill the world with fools. — Herbert Spencer

22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class…
save Congress. — Mark Twain

23. A government big enough to give you everything you want,
is strong enough to take everything you have. — Gerald Ford

My mother said to me, “If you become a soldier, you’ll be a general; if you become a monk, you’ll end up as the Pope.”  Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso.

     — Pablo Picasso